topical
man i can't get off this crazy sleeping schedule shit. i have such a hard time getting tired these days. i have a complete inability to force myself to actually try to go sleep, goddamn.

kinda trying to get over a cold and all, but it hadn't been too bad.

been biding some time just researching apartments for the summer and shit. it's kinda pointless unless you go check out some places in person, but eh i'm too lazy. just been pricing things and seeing what's available mostly. there's a lot of choices in several cities, just mostly wanna make sure i get something close enough to work, since that'll be such a big focus in life at least for the next few years.

heh oddly enough i care more about decking out my apartment rather than actually finding "the right place." i've got all these things i want and a crazyass setup i wanna do, but who knows if i'll actually be able to afford any of it. i guess i'd sorta like my place to be like the badass bachelor pad (not that i'm actually a bachelor) that everybody tells their friends about. y'know, video games, hi-fi shit, all good entertainment stuff. multiple computers doing their own thing while i'm gone.

i want a real guy's place. i want guys to come over there after work just to down beers and bitch about women. so i guess it's not a bachelor pad in that sense, where you'd take chicks back to and woo or whatever.

deep
the debate of the day was played out with rick. the question is "at this stage, does everyone have an agenda?" meaning does everybody (mostly college students and 20-somethings) make all their social decisions based on what they want, or does anybody actually do anything for someone else?

that's why it's so hard to hook up something casual with somebody of the opposite sex. everybody assumes everybody else (except them) has some kind of "evil" agenda. i'm not sure if i can really say we don't all have a piece of that. i can admit at times all my decisions are made in some sense to bring me some kind of pleasure.

everybody else is almost surely the same way at this stage. i dunno about how everybody most people know are, but for me i see everyone as having this evil sorta agenda. it's so rare that anybody ever goes out of their way to show they really give a shit about what i'm up to. i mean sure i can think of a short list of people that do no doubt, but not as many as there should be. it's not a pity party for justin here, just that the more i think about it the more i don't know many people that are willing to bring me pleasure if they don't think they'll get something even more beneficial out of it.

people use ya, man. if an incoming college freshman asked me for one piece of advice, i think i'd tell him to cherish the people he finds that really bother to actually get him. most people i've met at a&m, yeah they're cool for a little bit, but they're nothing more than temporary friends. acquaintances that need you to help them with academics or to accomplish some task that helps themself, not you. those are the people i meet every time i have a class, a work period, etc. now and then, you can hang onto one and you can become real friends, but most of the time, they're not interested in how you feel. only in how you can help them achieve some purpose. i'm so goddamn sick of that.

like anybody else i can't help but wonder how people think of me. it's odd how some people come across like they think i'm too passionate and serious about things yet others admit to me how cold they think i am, lacking enough emotion. as things progress i think i can get away with saying often times people don't deserve what i give them. in the past i thought like i owed people more, but not anymore. sometimes i try to put faith in society in general and just think they're innocently overlooking the passion i show to some people. at times i have poured and poured to people and too often i feel like i don't get the same in return.

it's the self. everybody's so goddamn interested in themselves. i don't know what it is. this country? the information age? the change in social patterns caused by the internet and cell phones? prolly a combination of all of 'em. i need hope that beyond college, people aren't like this. that people can just shut the hell up long enough to hear what you've got to say. everybody's just forgotten how to listen. the truth is they prolly won't ever learn how to do it again.

are you afraid of me because i tell you this much? what is there to be afraid of? afraid to know more about someone else than yourself? afraid i'll get the wrong idea when you show you care? afraid i have the above-mentioned agenda?

confidence. you fear my confidence. you're afraid i just might be right. you hate having to apologize because someone figured you out. someone knows your secrets.

i wanted to say my resolution for the new year was to be more accepting of people. but i'm not going to do that. what's been done to deserve it? nothing. i could wait and wait forever and see if you missed me enough to call or email me, but we both know that won't happen. years and years will pass and you will know you can wait long enough for me to come to you, and if not, oh well fuck it forget about it. all you can show in that mindset is that i mean nothing to you.

and if i mean nothing to you you won't remember this post, will you?

--j